Sorry Dad I was 100% Wrong
Funny how as you grow you are reminded often that your parents were right. My parents were not the best at their job and still I can say this. I hope must of us can look back and see lessons you couldn’t before. My dad was a shy man who outside of work and family he did not have much. Not saying his life was not filled with love and BAM - just that he did not have any interests or passions he pursued.
I live a passion driven life and have re-invented myself at least 6 times. Totally break everything and start over is how I roll. My dad kept it all in the same box with the same walls and daily routines. He had rituals and it seemed as if nothing changed in his world often if at all. I was raised where you knew what you were having for dinner by the day of the week. Most Italian families eat this way. This type of living crosses boundaries beyond meals and my dad was living proof of this every day. You pretty much knew what he was up to by the hour and day of the week.
My dad feared change like the Catholic church fears the devil.
My parents separated after 30+ years of marriage and my dad literally did not see it coming. Of course none of us did, but mom was an addict their entire marriage so there was a high chance things could go south. Still when mom and dad spilt I thought my dad stopped living and would have ‘talks’ with him about this often.
Mom left dad and it appeared dad gave up.
Even though he had weekly visits/dates with his aunt.
Even though he loved going to the grocery store and enjoyed cooking for himself.
Even though he would hang with his brother and nephew monthly.
Even though he kept an OCD organized house and took great pride in that.
Even though in a moments notice he would do anything for his daughters.
Dad would always respond “I love being home, my time alone & own space are where I want to be.” I never understood. I still believed he somehow stopped living based on how much time he spent at home and nothing more.
I only saw a dad I thought was depressed.
I only saw a dad I thought could not live without mom.
I only saw a dad who was a shy man with a bold exterior.
I only saw a dad not living his best life.
I could not have been more wrong. Sorry dad I was 100% wrong.
Here I am living in an apartment after years of touring and being voluntarily homeless and I hardly leave my apartment. It is almost as if somehow the space I am in is a safe space. Not going to lie I am feeling this for the first time in my life. I feel like my dad felt the same way. I know this sounds weird, but hear me out.
I have lived in fucking chaos for most of my life.
My childhood was nothing short of horrible regarding what went on inside our home. I worked my ass off from day one to survive - as soon as I ‘got out’ and married - life handed me Multiple Sclerosis (MS). 6 fucking weeks after I married at the age of 23 I got sick which kept me in chaos from birth until I started to show MS who the fuck was boss. Took almost 30 years of working my ass off. I never gave up. With every step of the way based 100% on a fight or flight mindset which is chaos.
My dad was born into chaos just like me.
His mom was mentally unstable and his dad a war hero who was known to ‘drink a little more than he should.’ My dad being the oldest son took on ‘head of household’ just like I did (I was the middle child). He never really had a childhood and as soon as he could ‘get out’ he was drafted - WWII - full on active combat. Shipped out on his 18th fucking birthday. Metaled war hero due to acts of bravery.
His tomb reads “Died a Hero to his Country” per his request.
Mom and dad marry and mom is an addict. My dad would never leave my mom. He was a momma’s boy with strong Italian cultural values which means you stay married. The chaos for him continues…
When my mom left dad finally had a safe space for the first time in his life. I am seeing a pattern here.
That feeling I understand at 56+ years old. I am living it right now. I never want to leave my home and hardly socialize. I am basking daily in the glory of my divine and self discovery. This truly is the first place where I have felt in control and grateful for my life. For one reason or another no place has ever felt like this and I am joyful to be in this energy plane and also for dad being a part of my best life journey right now.
Sadly I don’t know if my dad was basking in the glory of his divine, but I do know this new consciousness has me back in an old familiar place re-learning a valuable lesson.
You should NEVER under ANY circumstance JUDGE another human being.
I may not know what motivated my dad to be home, but I do know it doesn’t matter what I think. Here I am finding myself in the same space as my dad (for the healthiest of reasons) and reminded of why we should never judge. I think back to my own daddy and how I judged him & have looked up to the heavens and apologized a ton. Judging is always wrong even when it comes from ‘a good place.’
Not going to lie a ton of the norms of the Italian culture I love so much involves judging. My family judged often and based on perceived norms that are simply not true. My TEDx addresses these types of cultural issues and how they can often make change hard especially through consciousness which often leads to judgement. So not a good look.
I feel my dad and mom quite often in my life since they passed. I often talk out loud to them as if they are in the room with me.
Daddy I know your lens was not in my vision when you were hear on earth. I want you to know that once again you have taught me. I love and miss you daddy and appreciate every time I feel your presence. Last weekend when we danced to Leroy Brown was amazing. Loved that mom joined us for NY NY. Just like old times dancing and singing with the chairman of the board - Frankie. I know in these special times where I feel your energy - you are seeing me. Means so much dad and I hope you are proud of me. Love you.