A Life in Review
As many of you know this gal is a goal setter. I live for the kill of successfully completing goals. I have also lived outside of societal and cultural norms most of my adult life. This time of year is when I review my year, reflect & set goals for the coming year.
This year is different all together & so unexpected simply because my kid got engaged.
Never did I sit to think about all the societal & cultural norms that are associated with weddings. All of this has left me with a “Life in Review.” Literally the emotional reflective journey the engagement has brought to my life I did not see coming. Nor did I think it would have me do a “Life in Review” this year as opposed to a reflection.
You see the things that make me a straight up a walking miracle & BOSS come with ‘side-effects’ that I only learn about in real time.
A huge part of my healing is ‘controlling’ my environment of toxins which includes people. Being raised in such a dysfunctional family my ‘healthy’ relationship skills are lacking big time. So many in my life were toxic & a ton were family. I basically have little relations with any blood relatives except for a handful.
In addition to my ‘healthy’ relationship issues part of my charm is I have no problem telling anyone to “F off” which can be limiting.
All of this adds up to a very small circle of close friends. Now don’t get me wrong I realize I am a paid ‘influencer’ with an international following and that people have been known to pay money to spend time with me yet I don’t have a large circle of close friends. I have a handful and they are ‘my family.’ Many for decades who actually knew me before Multiple Sclerosis (MS) which matters so much to me.
I am an international brand with a very small circle of friends is one of the things the engagement has brought to the surface.
I have been so busy working on miracle status I never really thought about how my ‘circle’ has evolved during this healing journey. As a result the day my daughter gets married I will be entering a room of almost 200 people as the ‘Mother- of-the-Bride’ (MOB) and in that room may be a handful of people close to me and zero family.
This has been a gut wrenching real time situation for me.
It has taken me hours upon hours of hard self reflection to understand how I got here. From the word ‘go’ it has felt like I am a complete failure as a mom. Society places huge value on those in the room and on being MOB. I realized this is not what I have always envisioned on my daughters wedding day. My lens included that day filled with huge pride as friends and family bear witness to my daughters marriage to the man of her dreams.
Because my life regarding family sits outside of societal norms it appears my guest list didn’t pass the cultural norms test. This wedding even though my daughter’s - includes a traditional definition for family in the guest list. ‘Blood only’ which for most large Italian families always makes sense. The sad truth is that it without intention it dismisses me in the process. A reality I don’t think anyone realizes or understands.
I am not mad. I am not pointing fingers I am simply speaking a truth and how consciousness often puts you in situations like this you never saw coming. The last thing I want to be is an MOB who is an asshole so I thought and prayed really hard to figure out what this was and how to handle it. Once again all roads lead to my life choices to live consciously have somehow ‘ostracized’ me in a traditional wedding regardless of the fact I am MOB.
Cultural Collision once again happening here.
Just like my family did not understand the importance of my life to use food outside of cultural definition such as medicine and to recognize some was poison they once again failed to recognize family falls outside of defined cultural and societal norms for some.
Because my life choices fall outside of norms I don’t fit into defined criteria for family so it is not even seen. I am not for one second saying this is being done to be hurtful I am saying no one saw it coming. Not even me and I guess that is why the lesson has been so hard. Just like my daughter had dreams of her special day so did I. Little did I know how much my healing, miracle life would change those dreams.
Now before anybody gets their panties in a bunch this is not a post that I am mad at my kid. This is also not a post that my kid is a bad daughter. I have shared all of this with my daughter. This is a post similar to my TEDx sharing the HUGE challenges one faces when you live a conscious life and have your eyes wide open vs. societal norms determining who you are.
Situations like this have me review my entire life .
Not going to lie I keep wondering how the fuck did I get to a place where my life joy is getting married in front of 200 people and no one I care about will be there to share in this special day? I lose sleep thinking where I will sit at my own daughter’s wedding. Initially all I thought was how the fuck did this happen?
This happened because my life does not fit into ‘societal’ norms.
What makes people most proud of me and defines the brand PaleoBOSS Lady® many times is not translated into normal life. People somehow want me to fit a norm the miracle me is unable to fit.. My #1 message about being a miracle is that it happens outside of norms and often causes a collision. Little did I know that even when your daughter gets married it will cause a collision.
As we continue to plan the wedding it brings my heart great joy to see my daughter so excited to be planning her life and dream wedding. I never really played out the daughter getting married journey in my mind and found this collision one of the hardest to date. Standing alone on such a special day was never in any play book, but hence this is where we are due to my conscious choices needed to live my best life.
How I Plan to Resolve This Collision?
Stay on my path.
Lead by example.
Believe all of this stands to educate others.
Know life always provides.
Make sure that when I enter the room heads turn.
Continue to be honest about my feelings.
I will say I have spent far to many hours wondering why my life has included no life partner, 2 failed marriages, living in 20+ homes, often being the only women in the board room and now living in a van serving. How come I didn’t get the play book that was get married, have kids, buy a house, pay it off, buy a beach house and be married for 50+ years while helping raise the grand-kids?
The answer is always me. My life is me.
I know that life is not defined by the number of people in a room at your daughters wedding who care about you and yet I also know overcoming the societal norms associated with such a day have been a huge hurdle I never saw coming. All of this happened side-by-side with my gluten poisoning which may have kept my gut health a challenge. Yet in the end it all really doesn’t matter. What matters is that when I look in the mirror I know what I see and often society will see it differently and I am okay with that. This is why I am a BOSS. Standing alone is where I am most comfortable & where I thrive even if it is my daughter’s wedding.