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Toxic Family

Family Fued

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Family Fued

Not going to lie one of the hardest things about living with a disease is how your family reacts.

Now most would like to believe that family are uber supportive & attentive when you get sick. The sad reality is for most of us this is not the case. Add the fact that diseases are often chronic & debilitating lasting decades & you hit a sweet spot for a less than supportive family. Make the disease invisible & you are almost set up for huge disappointment.

I know there are folks out there with families that are top notch. However as someone who lives with the community & dedicates herself to help others I can tell you without question family is often the #1 problem for the community I serve.

family cooking.jpg

For me the key to kicking Multiple Sclerosis (MS) to the curb comes from diet and lifestyle choices. Eating whole foods as a Wahls Warrior coupled with yoga, meditation & healthy relationships are the core principles of being the miracle known as PaleoBOSS Lady.

  • Would you believe me if I told you more than 75% of those making choices regarding diet & lifestyle to get healthy are not supported by families?
  • Would you believe me if I told you most families expect to be fed a traditional toxic American diet while the one suffering eats whole foods alone?
  • Would you believe me if I told you most family members do not believe or support diet & lifestyle changes can create a healing platform for their loved ones?
  • Would you believe me if I told you many families take active steps to sabotage the efforts of those suffering?

It deeply saddens me that this all to often is the case. Families are like you do whatever you want, but I am out.

  • Imagine how that would make you feel?
  • Imagine the message it sends to loved ones who are suffering?
  • Imagine how powerful your actions stand to jeopardize a loved ones ability for healing?

Touring the USA living with strangers I have seen & heard it all. Nothing shocks me anymore.

I have to admit even with my own TEDx sharing how family & culture plays a role in this process never did I think the universal standard would be that families simply do not support diet & lifestyle changes.

My heart breaks for this reality. For successful change to happen it rests in those suffering. Sad, but true.

What do I mean?

  • If you live in a family unit & prepare the meals ALL participate with dietary changes inside the home.
  • If you have children feed them exactly how you eat.
  • If you are in a committed relationship your partner must support these changes when engaged with you.
  • If you entertain you only offer options that support your journey.
  • If you have a pantry it needs to be compliant to your wishes. Bye bye dueling pantries.

These changes show ownership of your commitment to heal. Without putting these in place your attempts are simply conversation for almost 99% of us because sustaining a healthy life becomes nearly impossible.

So often I hear from those suffering that they can't expect their kids to do this. I call bullshit. 

  • If you are not willing to demand support for your wellness journey than you are lying to yourself about how much you believe in diet & lifestyle to heal.
  • If you are not willing to demand support from your family than you are making a half ass attempt to heal.
  • If you are not willing to have a serious conversation with your loved ones about the changes needed to heal you have not begun to own your role in living with disease.

Now don't get your panties in a bunch because I am telling you the hard truth about making diet & lifestyle changes to live your BAM life.

Simply own the fact that just like in everything if you don't commit 100% you are only setting yourself up for failure & your own commitment level is not on point. In addition, if you really believe in the path you are taking toward conscious living how could you ever consider allowing loved ones to continue the 'toxic' way of eating?

When I cleaned out my pantry I personally struggled to give the items from my pantry that were identified as toxic to others. I felt if I would not eat it why would I give it to someone else? 

I ask how could your children eat one way & you the other once you get conscious?

Once you embark on the journey of consciousness regarding food to heal & support a wellness journey it is a family/household affair. Not something for only those suffering to embark on.

If you alone only commit to this than I questions the toxicity of your relationships & also the authenticity of your intentions. Loved ones who do not support you don't believe in your path & willingness to go it alone shows you too might have doubts.

Miracle status starts with believing 100% you are on the right path, totally awake in life & have community support. Without these things it is simply conversation.

The current status quo is that often families are not supporting dietary changes when someone needs to use food as medicine and this plan sucks & it is time we all woke up & understood what this truly means.

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Ending Toxic Family Relationships

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Ending Toxic Family Relationships

I have no problem speaking my mind.

I am honest till it is painful.

I will call a spade a spade without hesitation.

I feel no pressure to sugar coat how I feel.

These statements have always been true in my life. Yet somehow when it comes to relationships I have not always followed these truths. I am sure many on the receiving end of me may think I have always held these truths. I am here to say not so much. The autopilot of life married to cultural norms have prevented this from being true with so many connections in my life.

Burning Man was a big turning point for me regarding the evolution of relationships.

At that time I went to Burning Man I was still very sick facing hardships most cannot even begin to fathom.  I realized while at the Burning Man Temple that all of my relationships were potentially toxic. This was a HUGE moment for me. Not knowing how to handle this I chose to hibernate for a year believing two things would happen:

I would realize who was toxic taking steps to end the relationship or my absence would end toxic relationships simply due to the reality of not being available to others. Both did happen which resulted in my ties to others drastically taking a downward spiral. It was clear to me at that time most of my relationships were toxic. I was okay with this & actually welcomed the change.

Literally my life went from going out every night with a crew to being a solo flyer.

Each of us gets to decide what is toxic in our lives based on who we are & what we hold true. No one gets to influence or decide this but us. For most of my life I had relationships based on ideal's that were not my beliefs yet were tied to society, family and/or my culture. Nothing proves this greater than toxic relationships regarding family.

The almost universal belief is that no matter what family is family. I strongly disagree.

Remember we all get to live our own life & decide what is toxic.

A few things I have learned along the way regarding toxic family:

  • When judgement sits at the forefront of the relationship this is a breeding ground for toxicity. Family members who see your actions as different or not acceptable are judging you. Being judged based on someones idea of what should be is wrong. You are never going to change them because their thoughts are all they care about.
  • When family is unable to celebrate & share in your triumphs it is a huge red flag of jealousy. Jealous people are forever toxic. Jealousy is wanting what someone else has plain & simple. This is a toxic waste dump & you should run as fast as you can.
  • When they are passive aggressive this typically signals a toxic person. This non-verbal aggression can be seen in many ways, but most often is done by saying nothing while saying a lot. They are unable to say how they really feel so they exclude you, do not participate in your life & offer only false excuses & lies about their true intentions.
  • Last but not least toxic people will often change the narrative around the familial community excluding others. When family traditions & values are changed to exclude others you better believe you have a toxic situation that is grave. Exclusion is the culmination of all of the above & a calculated situation.

Now many posts about toxic family members offer ways to 'work around' these people due to the ripple effect. I believe otherwise because the only ripple effect I am concerned with is my body & my person.

Once repeated behaviors are established I have no trouble saying bye bye.

Not going to lie it may take me years to get to the point where enough is enough which is what I am working on now, but if someone has a negative impact on either my body or my person I cut them off. No looking back & no regrets.

Life is too short to waste time with fake, false people who have one lens with which to view the world. Agreeing to disagree has no place when you are dealing with folks who are jealous, judgemental & liars aka passive aggressive.

Family are supposed to celebrate your highs, be there during your lows & make time to support your life journey. The end.

This is my story & what has worked for me.

I credit Burning Man with helping me to understand the power of toxic people because of the no judgement tempo at each burn. Once you experience the power of 'one love' it becomes easy to see the ugly of toxic people.

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Cursing always free. BAM.

 

 

 

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